My Little Miracle

Eleanor "Ellie" Grace Walters was born on March 25th, six weeks early.  She was so small weighing in at 4 lbs 13 oz.  I remember laying on the table waiting to hear her cry, hoping that we had made the right choice, and when she did, a wave of relief swept through me.  We had made the right choice.  I had so many choices to make, some easy, some not.  But looking back, I would not change anything.  It's funny how things seem to work out.  In the midst of a crisis, you really wonder if it will, but it does.

On March 21 I went in for my tri-weekly visit with the Perinatologist.  I have had a very long, love-hate relationship with those guys.  And at this appointment, I was told that because everything was going well, maybe they would hold off delivering the baby.  This was good, right?  Yeah, when you're having to have your blood drawn three times a week and are on bed rest, being told that you'll have to do this even longer than you expected is sure to cause some anxiety.  But I told the doctor that I would go along with whatever she thought was right.  We decided to base our decision on the outcome of a 24 hour urine test (my 4th).  If the levels were going down or at least remaining stable we would hold off and try to reach 37 weeks.  If they went up, we would deliver at 34 weeks.

On March 23 the results were in:  the kidney was struggling.  It was time to deliver the baby.  I felt like this was the right choice.  I had had a tour of the NICU and was confident in their ability to save my baby.  I had also discussed having the baby via c-section.  I don't know why I felt like it was important to deliver this way. I had never had one, but I just kept having the same thought that this was the thing to do.  So, we set the date for March 25, which is the day before my anniversary.

March 25th, very early in the morning, we showed up at the hospital.  I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't nervous.  There were so many what ifs.  First, this was my second major surgery in 4 months.  Second, the baby wasn't even close to full term, what if she didn't make it.  What if she had some major problems? Third, I had to go off blood thinners for 36 hours.  What if I had another blood clot?  I was nervous.  But I knew that everything would be okay.

It seemed like hours, but I think it was only 40 minutes that I laid on the operating table.  I was shaking so bad when we went in to be prepped.  The idea of having my body cut into while I was awake was a bit morbid to me.  But after the spinal with morphine kicked in, no more shaking.  I listened and listened for them to say that the baby was out, and finally I heard those words.  Then I listened for the crying, and it was music to my ears.  Gary was allowed to go over to where they were working on the baby, which is actually a room right outside of the OR where the NICU team waits.  It's great to see how organized they are.  A few minutes later Gary showed up at my side with our little baby.  I could only see her little (and I do mean little) face.  Then she was whisked away to the NICU.  The doctors tied my tubes (at my request, and the request of several doctors) and sewed me all up.

I didn't get to hold my baby that day.  After the spinal wore off and I was able to get into a wheelchair, I was allowed to be wheeled up to see her.  She was so small.  She had so many machines attached to her, but she was alive and breathing on her own!  Apparently, her blood sugar levels had been at a 14, and they are supposed to be at a 60.  I guess we almost lost her, but by some miracle and modern technology, she made it.

The month I spent at the NICU was a struggle, but I'll save it for another post.  I am just so happy to be able to say that Ellie and I made it.  We made it!  Things could have been so different for us, but for some reason, by some miracle, we survived.  Every time I look at her little face, I just feel so thankful for so many reasons.