In Limbo

I am a control freak.  I like to be in control and if I can't be in control, I at least like to know what is going on.    So why do I always feel like I'm out of control?  Why do I feel like I am in constant limbo?  Maybe chaos and uncertainty is just drawn to me.  Here's some background.  My parents divorced when I was really young, around four or five years old.  I didn't know it was going to happen, I had no say and no choice.  It just happened.  No, I'm not going to blame all my issues (and there are many) on my childhood, but I think sometimes it helps to disect the past in order to understand the present, and shape the future.  You don't have to finish reading this.  I just don't really have anyone who listens, so I'm writing.  Back to the first topic...Both of my parents remarried shortly after and my life was thrown into chaos.  We moved very soon after my mom said "I do."  Not only did I no longer have my dad, but I no longer had my room in my house or even my state.  We moved from Utah to Kansas.  I didn't even have my mountains.  Once again, I had no choice, no notice.  In the space of a few weeks, everything I had ever known was gone.  We continued to move every couple of years until I was about 10 years old.  I went to 7 different elementary schools in three different states.  Finally my parents settled, but there were always rumors that we would be moving again.  The thought was always in the back of my mind.  I learned to never get too attached to something because you never know when it will be taken away.  Told you I have issues :)

So this brings me to the present.  I'm sitting here in my pajamas at 1:32 pm typing.  I should be cleaning or exercising or making crafts or at least getting dressed.  But I'm typing.  I'm typing because I feel like if I talk to anyone they'll just think I"m over reacting or obsessing or whatever.  I'm typing because I don't know what the future, what my future holds for me.  I'd like to say that we'll be here next year and forever, but I don't know.  You see, the other day my husband came home and told me that they are moving his company ( job) to West Jordan.  My husband hates commutes.  He didn't even like the 10 minute commute from Orem to Spanish Fork, which is why we are here.  So, I'm pretty sure he won't like the 1 hour each way commute to Salt Lake.  Another thing is that he graduates from school in August.  I don't know what he'll want to do then.  Once again, I really feel like I don't have much choice.  Do I support my husband and tell him that I'll go anywhere he wants to go as long as it makes him happy?  Do I think of how this will affect our kids, none of which want to move?  Or do I just go about my days pretending that everything is okay. 

The other thing that I learned from my crazy childhood is to have faith.  To have faith that everything will work out, somehow for the best.  I think if I were to have a motto it would be "when one door closes, another one always opens."  So, I'm going to kneel down, and pray.  Pray that everything will be okay.  Pray that Gary, who happens to be the patriarch of the family, will know and do what is best for us.  Pray that I'll be able to find peace in my world of chaos and uncertainty.