Well, I made it through the night. I prayed like I've never prayed before. And I got to see my sweet babies and Gary. I had a good day, if you can call being stuck in a hospital with blood clots in your lungs "good". I got some visitors, got some phone calls, and much love on Facebook. Usually I would have just kept this to myself, thinking that I didn't want people to worry, but I really appreciate all the love and prayers. Not to mention it's been good to get my feelings out. I tend to bottle them up and put on a brave face. But when you are faced with life and death, it really puts a perspective on things and makes you so grateful for so many things.
I don't know why, but nights always seem to be the hardest for me. Today when I talked to Natalie on the phone she told me that if I died, her life would be over. I remember telling mu mom the same thing as a little girl! I'm so grateful that We believe the way we do and I was able to tell her, as I've told her many times before, that no matter what I will always be her mommy and we will always be a family. There's just something so powerful in that. I feel so bad for people who believe that death is the end. It must be so devastating to lose a loved one.
Tonight Sara called me, crying her little eyes out. Gary said that she had been laying in bed for two hours, crying and staring at a picture of the two of us. My heart just broke as I realized the affect that is having on my sweet little girl, and probably my whole family. My Gary is so amazing and my children are so brave. I thank my Father in Heaven every day for them. I know that I will survive this, but how do you reassure a four year old when her life has been turned upside down? How do you explain to her that sometimes we have bad things happen, but we can use these as stepping stones to become stronger and have more faith? I know I have. I saw my family in a whole new light today. Instead of seeing their messy hair and wanting to fix it (dad's can't do hair) and their crazy clothes, I saw four of the most beautiful little people. I saw their tired daddy, and just wanted to hug him and tell him that everything will be okay. I just want to hug them and never let go!
Sorry if my posts are depressing. This is just the time I have the most going through my head, and I have to get it out so that I don't go crazy!
2 comments:
I can't imagine what you have been going through. Our minds do crazy things and we can't stop them. I hope you are getting some needed rest and peace. Wish I could do something for you. The offer is there, hope you will take me up on it. I too and thankful for the knowledge we have that we will be together forever. We just need these reminders to keep us going and to appreciate the little things in life. Hope you make it home today!
I don't think that post was depressing at all. I think it was real and hopeful and inspiring. I think you're a sweetheart with an awesome family. And really brave. :)
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