What ifs

It's almost 12:00am and I am sitting here in a hospital bed wondering if I am ever going to see my kids again. It's been a long 48 hours that has led up to this. I'm scared. Not of dying, but of leaving four little children motherless. I'm trying so hard to be brave, and I was actually succeeding for a while. But now I am laying in a hospital bed, alone, with all of these what-ifs running through my head. What if I fall asleep and never wake up? What if I never hear Lily say,"mommy, will you smuggle me?" whenever she wants me to lay by her at night? What if I never get to ask my kids how their day at school was, or watch them play,or comfort them? When you are laying in a hospital bed, alone, at 12:00am, there are so many what ifs.

I can't recall when I began to feel like my lungs were not acting appropriately for lungs. All I know is that i began dreading the long hike up the stairs. Then it was the long walk from my bed to the door, and then the bathroom seemed miles away. Each time I would collapse on the bed, just trying to catch my breath. Finally, two days ago, I called Gary at work and told him, frantically, that something was seriously wrong with me. I laid in bed waiting for him to come home, and snuggled a sleeping little Lily. There is nothing quite so precious as a sleeping baby. I felt like someone had punched me in the chest and now that person was sitting on me.

Long story short...it turns out that my lungs are full of blood clots. We don't know yet why or where they came from, but any one of them could decide to dislodge and put itself in an area that could kill me. And I'm scared. And the what ifs are running through my head.

So it is now 12:14 am, and I am going to pray and have faith that God knows what He is doing. And that the doctors know what they are doing. And that I make it through the night so that I can see my babies and Gary again. I miss them so much. I love them so much.

And what if I make it through this? Well, then am going to thank my Heavenly Father, profusely for giving me another chance to be a better person.